


RLY OHIOS AND 
RHODE ISLAND REDS 
A Comedy in One Act 



By 



Mary Katharine Reely 



EARLY OHIOS AND 
RHODE ISLAND REDS 

A Comedy in One Act 

By 
Mary Katharine Reely 

Author of "Daily Bread" 
and other one-act plays 






This play is protected by copyright. 

No performance may be given without 
permission from author or publisher. 

Copyright, 1921, by M. K. Reely. 

Address The Perine Book Co., 
1413 University Ave. S. E., Min- 
neapolis. 



MAY 14 192! 



©CI.D 5 7714 






< 



This play was awarded first prize in 
the Minneapolis Woman's Club contest 
and was produced on January 25, 1921, 
with the following cast: 

Madge Shepherd Miss Lucille Babcock 

Oliver Shepherd Dr. Robert Kennicott 

Mrs. Nels Nelson Mrs. Robert G. Wieskopf 

Ella Corwin Mrs. Frederick H. Legg 

Tom Corwin Mr. Paul Rittenhouse 

Produced under the direction of Miss Mary E. Cutler 



CHARACTERS: 

Madge Shepherd 

Oliver Shepherd 

Mrs. Nels Nelson 
Ella Corwin 
Tom Corwin 

SCENE: 

A simply furnished living room. At one side of the 
room, near the back, Madge sits at a small table writing a 
letter. On the other side, near the front and facing the 
audience, Oliver sits at a flat-topped desk figuring up 
accounts. Two business-like account books are open in 
front of him and he is ivorking on a balance sheet. At the 
back of the room, to the right and just behind Oliver s 
desk, a door, partly ajar, opens into the kitchen. The 
room is warmed by an air-tight heater which stands near 
the wall between the kitchen door and Madge's table. The 
front door of the house, opening out onto a little stoop, 
is to the left, with zuindows at either side. 

Madge 

[Pauses, uncertain what to say next. Writes another line, 
turns another page, and nibbles the end of her pen. Flings 
down pen and tears up letter in a rage.} 



Madge 
What is the use? The only thing I can think of to tell her is 
that three of my old hens froze their feet during the cold snap. 

Oliver 
Shut up. Now I've got to do this over again. 

Madge 
[Tearing letter into scraps and paying no attention.] 
When your best friend is having a gay time in New York, going 
to shows and dancing in cabarets, and you try to write to her 
for the first time since New Year's, and all you can think of that 
you have done in the whole three months only rills up half a 
page— 

Oliver 
Keep still, will you, till I get this balance. 

Madge 
[Gathers up bits of paper, takes them over to stoze, removes 
top and drops them in. Sonic spill on the rug. She picks 
them up ; every motion is vindicative.] 

Oliver 
[Still figuring.] 
That stove's smoking. 

Madge 
Of course, it's smoking. Wood stoves always smoke. To think 
of living in a house heated with wood stoves in this day and age. 
[Bangs cover on stove and adjusts damper.] 

Oliver 

[Flinging down balance sheet.] 
Well, I've got it ! There it is ! Do you want to know, darling, 
the amount of our annual income for the second year of residence 
on our landed estate? 

Madge 
Oh, I suppose we went in the hole again. 

Oliver 
No, dearest helpmeet, we came out on top. Our total net income, 
deducting all expenses, including your labor and mine, and 
accounting for all assets, is exactly thirty-nine dollars and twen- 
ty-six cents. 



Madge 
Did you count in all the eggs we've eaten ? 

Oliver 

Every egg. 

Madge 
And the canned fruit in the cellar? 

Oliver 
Everything ! 

Madge 
[Hopefully.] 

And my prize money from the county fair? 

Oliver 
[In disgust.] 
Yes, even that ! 

Madge 
[Dropping into a little rocking chair that stands near the 
stove.] 
Well, of course, figures don't mean much to me. Still, we've had 
our living. 

Oliver 
[Striking the desk with the flat of his hand.] 
That's it! That's the joker in this farm game. That's what 
farmers have been saying for fifty years. They got their living ! 
Now what kind of a life is it, I ask, when you work as hard as 
we do just for a living! Imagine any other business man giving 
that excuse — he got his living ! But farmers aren't business men. 
That's the trouble. It's only because I'm a trained accountant 
that I know where I stand. Farming must be put on a business 
basis — 

Madge 
[Forlornly.] 
That's what I said when I went in for chickens, and I got the 
best of everything — incubators, brooders, trap nests, and all — and 
now Mrs. Nelson says I spent too much to begin with. Still, 
we've had the eggs. 

Oliver 
And we could have lived in town and on any kind of a decent 
salary paid for the eggs twice over. 



Madge 
[S liar ply,] 
But not such good eggs. I will say that, Oliver, although I'll 
admit everything else. But I must say it has been a great com- 
fort to be able to break eggs for cake without having to sniff 
at them — yes, there's a satisfaction in feeling acquainted with the 
hens that lay your eggs. There's that to be said for farm life. 

Oliver 

That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking business sense. 
I'm saying that if a man put half the time and energy into any 
other business that he puts into farming, he'd be rich. And look 
at this — $39.26 ! No wonder farmers don't pay income tax. 

Madge 
Well, that's something to be thankful for. 

Oliver 
Haven't even made enough money in two years to keep ourselves 
comfortable. [Goes over to poke fire.] House heated with 
stoves ! And no chance of putting in a furnace another year. 

Madge 
Oh, Oliver, we did say we'd never spend another winter here 
without a furnace ! 

Oliver 
[Determinedly — folding arms and facing Madge.] 
Well, let's not. 

Madge 
But you can't get a furnace for thirty-nine dollars. 

Oliver 
Let's not spend another winter here. Let's quit. Let's go back. 
I can always get a job. 

Madge 
Quit ! Go back ! But I've just set my incubator. 

Oliver 
Damn the incubator. Unset it then. That's what got us into 
this. You, with your old poultry journals, sitting up nights to 
figure it out and reading me the figures : "If I set 150 eggs and 
get 150 chicks and each grows up to be a hen and lays 365 eggs 
a year, and I sell all the eggs at 75 cents a dozen, at the end of 
the year — " Oh, Lord ! 



Madge 
Well, what about you, pouring over your old seed catalogs and 
believing all their wonderful lies and telling me how many 
bushels of potatoes to the acre — 

Oliver 

Oh, yes, I know, Madge [beginning to pace the room] we were 
two darn fools — never counting the eggs that wouldn't hatch or 
reckoning on wet years and slumps in prices. And we had it 
better than most, too, there's no mortgage on the old homestead 
— all clear to begin with. 

Madge 
I'd hate to think Aunt Hattie's legacy had been thrown away. 

Oliver 
Oh, we can get the money out of it all right — there'll always be 
other fools that want to go back to the land. 

Madge 
I wonder what it would be like to live in town again. Oh, Oliver, 
Lily is having such a glorious time in New York. How long 
would it take us to save enough for a trip to New York on 
$39.26 a year? But what would we do with all our things, Oliver, 
all my canned stuff? There'd be no room in a flat. And my 
incubator — with the chicks coming out in ten days? 

Oliver 
Turn them over to Mrs. Nelson. She'd take 'em. Or sell them 
with the place. Come, we'll draw up an ad. There are always 
suckers. [Sitting at desk.] For Sale: [Writing] One Truck 
Farm. Forty acres. Motoring distance from town. 

Madge 
When the roads are passable. 

Oliver 

House in good condition. Piped for furnace. 

Madge 
Which the present owners had hoped to install when they made 
enough off the place. 

Oliver 
One incubator, set with 150 eggs of which 19 are guaranteed to 
hatch. 

8 



Madge 

[Springing up.] 
Oliver Shepherd ! The idea ! I never had any such luck as thai ! 
Of course everybody knows that all the eggs can't be expected 
to hatch. And, anyway, why don't you advertise the place as a 
potato farm — fine soil for potatoes — not more than half will rot 
in the ground. 

Oliver 

[Angrily.] 
Well, it was a wet year, wasn't it? 

Madge 
[Pacing.] 
Oliver, this is a disgraceful way to act. I s'pose it's this spell 
of wet weather that's got on our nerves — rain for a week. And 
March is a horrid month anyway and Sunday's a boresome day. 
Are you serious, Oliver, about selling? 

Oliver 

[Whirling on her.] 
Yes, I am. I'll sell out land, equipment, improvements and all, 
including good will. 

Madge 
I never did know what they meant by good will. 

Oliver 
It means the continued neighborliness of Mr. and Mrs. Nels 
Nelson. 

Madge 
Well, she is a good neighbor. Only I do get tired of her ever- 
lasting Swedishness. 

Oliver 
She's a Norwegian, not a Swede. 

Madge 
What's the difference? 

Oliver 

Ask her if there's a difference. 

Voice Outside 
Whoo-hoo ! 

Madge 

Oh, Heavens! What brings her out on a day like this? 



Voice 

Whoo-hoo ! Anybody home? [Sound of an opening door — the 
outside door of the kitchen.] I yust take off my rubbers on back 
porch and not track up your kitchen. My, it is so vet and 
muddy, but rain has stopped. 

Madge 
[Holding open the door.] 
Come in, Mrs. Nelson. 

[Mrs. Nelson comes in. She is a small, spare woman. A 
scarf is tied over her hair. She wears a man's coat and her 
skirt is pinned up over heavy shoes showing white socks.] 

Mrs. Nelson 

My, I could not stay in house any longer, so ven rain let up I 
go down to mail box. Yesterday in rain ve did not go for mail 
and I see you did not either, so I bring along your mail for you. 
[Examining it.] For Mr. Oliver Shepherd. [Handing him a 
flat envelope.] And for Mrs. Oliver Shepherd. [Handing her 
a rolled paper.] 

[Madge glances at name on wrapper and gkcs roll a fling 
into corner. Oliver opens the envelope, pulls out contents, 
glances at its gaudy cover and slams it dozvn on the desk.] 

Mrs. Nelson 
Veil, veil! Vat is the matter? 

Madge 
The Reliable Poultry Journal ! Emphasis on Reliable ! Oh, 
excuse us, Mrs Nelson. We're as cross as two sticks today. 
It's the weather, I guess. 

Mrs. Nelson 

Vedder ! Vy, dis is nice vedder for dis time of year. Couldn't 
be better. Takes frost out of the ground and get ready for 
spring plowing later. [Seats herself in little rocker — loosens her 
scarf and begins to rock — and continues to rock as she talks.] 

Madge 
Draw up to the stove. You must be damp. 

10 



Mrs. Nelson 

[Hitching her chair.] 
It is nice to sit clown by stove. Furnace she is nice, too, to keep 
house warm all over— but ve got along vidout it for twenty 
year and sometimes ven I sit down by hole in floor vere varm 
air comes up I vish I had a nice little heater to sit by. But I 
suppose you put furnace in some time soon, too? 

Oliver 
Well no, Mrs. Nelson. I doubt if we'll be making any more 
improvements. The truth is we've about decided to put the place 
on the market. 

Mrs. Nelson 
So' Sellout! Veil, veil. How long you been here? Two year? 
Veil, you did pretty good. Dose folks that had the place before 
you stay six months only. Nels he say he tank von year vill be 
enough for you, but I say I tank maybe you stay a little longer. 

Oliver and Madge 
What? What's that? 

Mrs. Nelson 
1 say I tank maybe you stay a little longer. I tank you are not 
so soft as oder city people. 

Madge 
Soft' Mrs Nelson, do you mean to say that you think Oliver 
and I are soft? You know as well as I do how hard we ve 
worked. 

Mrs. Nelson 
Oh I say you are not so soft as oder city people But you got 
it easy here on this place. All cleared. All under cultivation 
Ven ve come here ve have all dose stumps to pull You got 
good farm buildings. Ve have to build house ourselves before 
ve have place to sleep. And ve did not have Ford automobile 
like you got. Ve have only two old horses and von she die on 
us. Yas, you got it easy nowadays. 

Madge 
Mavbe we have, comparatively. But that isn't saying that Oliver 
and I are soft— and not willing to work as hard as necessary. 

11 



Mrs. Nelson 
Oh, no, I not say that. You vork pretty good, and Oliver he is 
no vorse den oder men from city. Now my son-in-law, my 
daughter Hulda's husband, de Lutheran minister, he alvays tink 
he can pitch oats vid de oders and after two or three bundles 
he is tired and have to stop. And my son Gustaf, who is pro- 
fessor in state college of agriculture — he know a lot about farm- 
ing — but he is getting soft too, so now he gets blisters on his 
hand ven he handle pitchfork. And my daughter Lena, who 
teaches music in Tvin Cities, ven her papa tells her she can 
drive team on hay rake like she used to, she is so shocked. 

Madge 
Of course a piano teacher couldn't do rough work like that. 

Mrs. Nelson 
Oh, Nels he is only yoking. Nels he is so proud of Lena, but 
he like to yoke vid her. 

Oliver 

I notice. Mrs. Nelson, that your own children don't stay on the 
farm. They go to the cities. 

Mrs. Nelson 
Veil, ven you got eight, you can't keep all at home. And Olaf 
he is von dat vill make best farmer of all. He vill take dis farm 
ven he graduates from college. Den papa and I vill make a 
little trip to California and see de vorld. Maybe ve go on visit 
to Old Country. Anyway, farm is good place for children to 
grow up. If dey go to city aftervards it not make so much 
difference. But city children are so ignorant. Have I told you 
about my little grandson? "Grandma," he say, "vich is cow dat 
gives de buttermilk ?" So ignorant ! And his papa a minister ! 
Veil, dey can't help it. Dey grow up so soft and so ignorant 
and den dey come to live on farm and tink dey going to have 
easy time and den dey give up after six months and go back 
again. 

Madge 
We did not give up after six months. 

Mrs. Nelson 
Oh, no, you stay two years. 

Oliver 
We think that two years of bad crops are enough. 

12 



Mrs. Nelson 
Oh, my! [With unquenchable cheerfulness.] Ven ve come here 
ve have bad luck for five years — two year vet, von year dry, and 
den de hail and den de tornado. 

Oliver 
Well, I may be soft as you say, Mrs. Nelson, but if I have to 
wait five years for a decent crop of potatoes — 

Mrs. Nelson 
Nels he say dat low ground is too heavy for dose Early Ohios. 
He say you plant your early potatoes up on slope vere dey get 
better drainage and use dat low ground for something else, you 
do better. 

Oliver 

Oh, he does, eh? Well, you tell him that the first year I put 
potatoes on the slope and the vines all burned out. 

Mrs. Nelson 
Nels he say you not cultivate deep enough. 

Oliver 
Oh, he does, does he? Well, maybe he knows more than I — 

Mrs. Nelson 
[Placidly.] 
Yes. Veil, I must be running back. Too bad you are going to 
sell out. You been good neighbors — and in two, tree, five more 
years you get on your feet. [To Madge, as she rises and ties 
her scarf] I see you got hen shut up in coop. 



[Rising.] 

Yes, she wants to set. 



Madge 



Mrs. Nelson 



Vy don't you let her? 

Madge 
You know I use an incubator. 

13 



Mrs. Nelson 
Yas, so do I. I got incubator too. My son Gustaf, the pro- 
fessor, he persuade me to get it, but yust the same ven old hen 
vant to set, I von't cheat her out of de pleasure. And den I 
am alvays sure of a few chickens. After all, old hen is best 
incubator. Lamp never goes out under her. But Rhode Island 
Reds like you got are not such good setters as my vite Plymouth 
Rocks. 

Madge 
For an all-round general purpose hen, I'll match my Reds against 
your Plymouth Rocks any day. 

Mrs. Nelson 
Yes, maybe. My son Gustaf, from the agricultural college, he 
say Rhode Island Red is good hen, too. He send me two settings 
of eggs he vant me to try. I could give you von. 

Madge 
Oh, thanks, Mrs. Nelson. But I have my incubator set. And if 
we are leaving — I had thought of asking you to take the chicks 
off my hands. 

Mrs. Nelson 
Yas, I vill do dat — if you are leaving. Veil it is too bad. Good- 
bye. [To Oliver, zvho has risen] Nels he say if you try de 
lighter soil you do better. Veil, goodbye. [Madge accompanies 
her to the door.] 

Mrs. Nelson 
Now I yust put on rubbers and scoot across home. Goodbye. 

Madge 
Goodbye, Mrs. Nelson. [Returning] Huh! Soft, are we? 

Oliver 
Do better in the lighter soil ! Why that black loam is ideal for 
potatoes. 

Madge 
Soft! Like her daughter Lena who teaches music in "Tvin 
Cities." I do get so tired of hearing about that family. Doesn't she 
think I know by now who they all are? Don't I know that Hulda 
is married to a Lutheran minister? Don't I know who Gustaf 
is? But, no! Always, "My son Gus-taf, pro-fes-sor in state 
col-lege of Ag-riculturc !" And if I ever again have to hear the 
story about the buttermilk cow ! 

14 



Oliver 

Me soft ! Didn't I myself pitch bundles for Nels last fall, and 
didn't I keep him humping? Me soft, like her son-in-law. [His 
eye has lighted on the seed catalog that he threw down a few 
minutes before. He picks it up — looks at cover, glances inside, 
then puts it down guiltily, glancing at Madge.] 

[Madge, in crossing the room, has noticed the poultry jour- 
nal. She makes a move to pick it up, then gives it a little 
kick zvith her foot instead. It rolls under the table.] 

Voice Outside 
Whoo-hoo ! 

Madge 
That woman again ! 

Mrs. Nelson 

[Putting her head in door.] 
You going to get company. Automobile turning in gate. I ran 
back to tell you. Now I skip, so dey don't see me. [Exit.] 

[Madge hurries to window. Oliver follows.] 

Madge 
Tom and Ella Corwin ! How did they get here? Look at their 
car ! Spattered ! Plastered ! 

Oliver 

Over that road ! Great Scott, what brought 'em ? 

Madge 
But, Tom and Ella! How glorious! [Throwing open the outer 
door.] Hello, folks, hello! 

Oliver 

I should say so! Hello! [Hurries out.] 

Madge 

[Grasping Ella's hands as she comes up on the stoop, draws 
her in.] 
Oh, Ella, I'm so glad. 

Ella 
[A picture of plump woe.] 
My shoes, Madge, my shoes ! Tom made me get out of the car 
to lighten it, and then I tried to help him with some brush in 
front of the wheels, and look at me ! Look at my shoes ! 

15 



Madge 
My dear, my poor dear! That is too bad. But just you wait. 
I'll get a rag or something and we'll dry them. 

Ella 
It was simply awful! Madge, what a place to live! How do 
you ever get anywhere ? Such roads ! And look at my skirt — 
all spattered. 

Madge 
Now that will brush off when it dries. It's clean mud. And 
we'll wipe off the shoes. Just sit here by the stove. [Propelling 
Ella.) 

Ella 
Oh, you heat your, house with stoves. How quaint ! 

Madge 

[Shortly.] 
Yes, isn't it? Sit down. [Hurries to kitchen.] I'll get some- 
thing to clean your shoes. 

[Enter Oliver with Tom.] 

Tom 
Good Lord, man, do you mean to tell me that's the only way 
you have of getting in here? I told Ella we must have made a 
mistake — got off the main road. I said there surely must be 
another way. 

Oliver 
[Somewhat stiffly.] 
That's a new road — just graded last summer — and still soft 
But you didn't have more than a couple of miles of it. The state 
road was all right, wasn't it? 

Tom 
A couple of miles was enough. In all the years I've been driving 
a car I've never had one look like this. Why, it will take a week 
to clean her up — and probably get the enamel scratched in the 
bargain. 

Ella 
Oh, Tom, and we'll have to drive into town looking that way! 
How terrible. We must wait till after dark. 

16 



Tom 
Not much. I'll not risk driving over those roads after dark. 
We'll get an early start. [Looking at his watch and snapping 
it shut.] 

Oliver 

[Slapping him on the shoulder.] 
Oh, come, old sport, it isn't so bad as that. I tell you what. 
Make yourselves easy and then Madge and I will hop into the 
Ford and trail along with you to pull you out of the mudholes. 
We'll set you safe on the state road. That little bug of ours 
can crawl through anything. 

Tom 
If you mean that mud-coated object I noticed in the yard, it looks 
as though it had had to. 

Oliver 
[Coldly.] 
Well, you see a car on a farm is a utility, not a luxury, so we 
don't give so much thought to the enamel. 

Madge 
[Entering briskly.] 
Well, here we are. Now we'll brush you up. Tom, how are your 
shoes — and how's yourself? Why, we haven't shaken hands yet. 
How are you? You look fine and dandy. Now, Ella, [dropping 
on her knees in front of Ella] don't you want to take them off 
and put them by the stove to dry? I'll get a pair of — 

Ella 
Oh, no, no. It's better for shoes to dry on the feet — they keep 
their shape better. 

Tom 
Stove, eh ? Well, well, that's primitive. 

Ella 
Oh, oh. Not so hard. 

Madge 
I beg your pardon. 

Oliver 
Yeh. Stove. Dandy little heater, that. Kindle a fire and in no 
time the room is warm. In the coldest weather of last winter 
that little stove kept tis perfectly comfortable. 

17 



Tom 
Well, you can give me steam heat for mine. 

Madge 
There, now, if you'll just give them a little time. They're not 
really wet through. [Takes cloth, etc., to kitchen.] 

Tom 
[Who has been examining the stove as a curiosity.] 
Burns wood, eh? How much do you pay for it? 

Oliver 

That's the best part of it. The place was stocked up when we 
came and we haven't had to buy a stick. Good hard maple. 
Yeh, we got a bargain in more ways than one when we got this 
place. 

Madge 
[Returning.] 
There, now, everybody, take off your coats. Heavens, haven't 
we had the manners to ask you before this. And we'll draw up 
and have a jolly old visit. We're just dying to hear about every- 
thing, aren't we, Oily? We've been getting awfully on one 
another's nerves, haven't we? 

Ella 

Well, I should think you would — living in such a hole. 

Madge 
Oh, we aren't so awfully bad off. Do take off your things. 

Ella 
Well — I don't know. Tom wants to get an early start — to get 
over those awful roads you know. Madge, I never saw such 
roads in my life ! 

Madge 
It's been raining for a week. 

Ella 
There hasn't been a drop in town since yesterday and the pave- 
ments were all nice and dry, weren't they, Tom? And then 
when the weather turned out so pleasant this morning we decided 
to take a little run out to see you. 

18 



Tom 
Little run is right. Would you believe it; we were on the road 
three hours. And we should have made it in an hour — ove< 
decent roads. 

Madge 
[Brightly.] 

Well, let's not talk about the roads — we know they're awful al 
this time of year. But do take off your coat, 'lorn, or you'll be 
cold when you go out. [Ella has only loosened hers. Tom takes 
off his overcoat and moves across the room with Oliver. Throws 
coat across desk chair and they stand talking.] And now I 
want to hear about everything. Tell me all you've been doing 

Ella 
Well, let's see. What have we done? We went to the Orpheum 
one night. There's a good show this week. Better than last, 
dont' you think so, Tom? [Tom isn't listening.] And then I've 
been playing bridge a lot. I've won quite a few prizes. 

Madge 
I won a prize, too — at the county fair. 

Ella 
And we go to the movies, of course. Tom likes the movies. 

Madge 
We go to the movies, too — on Saturday nights. We drive to 
Prairie Center. 

Ella 
Over those roads ? 

Madge 
[Determined to ignore the roads.] 
We drive in after supper — and we market our eggs. 

Ella 
How rural ! 

Madge 
And do our trading and then we go to the movies. They have 
very good pictures at the Center. Every Saturday night. 

Ella 
Every Saturday night! What do you do the rest of the time? 

19 



Madge 
Well, we're busy people, you know. And evenings we read ana 
sew and talk and figure up our accounts and find out how much 
money we're making— 

Ella 
Heavens, don't you die of lonesomeness? 

Madge 
Lonesome ! Not a bit. We have neighbors and they drop in — ■ 
Mrs. Nelson across the way was here just before you came. 

Ella 
That queer looking creature in a man's coat that I saw running 
across the yard? ■ I thought she was a beggar. 

Madge 
The Nelsons are a long way from being beggars. 

Ella 
Well, if she is a sample of your neighbors ! 

Madge 
I would have you know that the Nelsons are a very superior 
family. One of the sons is a professor at the state university. 
One of the daughters is an accomplished musician. Another 
daughter is married to a well-known clergyman. 

Ella 
Then I should think they might see that their mother had some 
decent clothes. She looked like a scarecrow in that old man's 
coat. 

Madge 
Well, if you object to that I don't know what you would think 
of me when I am at my work. I wear the trousers, too. 

Ella 
Oh, but trousers are quite the thing. [Looking her over crit* 
ically.] I will say for you, Madge, that you always look well 
whatever you do. And you haven't allowed yourself to get slack. 
That's a dear little dress. 

20 



Madge 
Do you think so? I'm so glad. I made it myself. That's one of 
the beauties of living out here. The days are so long. I can 
accomplish so many things. It's so free from distractions. 

Ella 
I can believe that. [Moves back from the fire.] 

Madge 
It is getting warm, isn't it? Let's move back. I still have a 
dozen questions to ask. Do you hear from Lily Slater? I was 
just thinking of writing to her. Here's her last letter. [They lose 
themselves in conversation.] 

[All this time Tom and Oliver have been talking. Oliver has 
perched himself on the desk and has reached around behind 
him to close the account book. Tom stands.] 

Tom 
So you think you are making a good thing out of it? 

Oliver 
Yes, I must say, all things considered, we've done pretty well. 
Of course, there's an outlay at the beginning that has to be paid 
off. We didn't expect to come clear the first year, but the second 
we not only paid expenses and got our living off the place, but 
we made a tidy little profit. [Glances at Madge to see if she 
gets this.] 

Tom 
Yep, but you worked pretty hard to get it. 

Oliver 
But I tell you, Tom, it's the kind of work that agrees with a 
fellow. Makes you feel fit. Here ! Just try that muscle. Nothing 
soft about that. And what you make is your own. Yep ! Except 
for a little bad luck with my Early Ohios — 

Tom 
What the deuce are Early Ohios? 

Oliver 
Early Ohios are potatoes. 

Tom 
Why don't you say so, then? But I don't see where the bad luck 
came in with the price you made us pay. 

21 



Oliver 
bee hero, if you think we get all of that — 

Ella 
[Her voice rising shrill.] 
But, Madge, what kind of a Red is that? A Rhode Island Red! 

Madge 

A hen, my dear, a hen. I took third prize on mine at the county 
fair. 

Ella 
Oh, I thought you were getting mixed up with something dread- 
ful and socialistic. 

Tom 

[Looking at his zvatch.] 
So I couldn't tempt you back? Better think it over. 

Oliver 
Yes, I'll do that. I'll think it over. Thanks awfully, Tom, for 
letting me know. It was certainly good of you to drive out to 
tell me. 

Tom 
Well, if I'd known anything about your roads, I'd a telephoned. 

Ella 

Don't you think we ought to be starting, dearie? Remember 
those awful roads. 

Tom 
Yes, we ought. I won't run any risks. That car is near enough 
a wreck now. 

Ella 
Well, Madge dear. All you say about the simple life may be 
true, but I shall certainly breathe a sigh of relief when I am 
back on pavements again. 

[Oliver and Madge are quite frigid, but Madge does her 
best.] 

Madge 
I'm sorry you can't stay to supper. 

Ella 
Oh, thank you, but we couldn't. I'd be on pins and needles. 

22 



Madge 

Anyway, I'm going to give you a jar of my plum preserves. 
And a dozen of my fresh eggs. Ella, wouldn't you love to take 
back a dozen of my fresh-laid eggs? 

Ella 
Oh, thank you, no, dear. I'm sure they'd all be shaken to pieces 
in the car. And then I get very good eggs now. Very good. 

Oliver 
I have the idea. Why not stay all night? Drive in in the morning 
when the roads have had a chance to dry out some. 

Ella 
Oh, I couldn't think of it. Thank you — but farm houses are so 
damp and drafty. 

Madge 
I'm sorry. But it was nice of you to come. 

Ella 
So nice to see you. Good-bye. Come, Tom. Good-bye, Oliver. 

Madge 
Good-bye, Tom. Hope you get home all right. So nice to see 
you. 

Tom 
Drop in to see us when you are in town. Only don't come in a 
car, try a boat. 

Oliver 
I'll go out and start you off. If you remember to bear to the 
right going around that first mudhole — [Exit.] 

Madge 
[In the doorway.] 
Good-bye, good-bye. [Waits for Oliver to come in — closes the 
door. She doesn't say anything, but her lips are pursed. Oliver, 
in preoccupation, strolls over to desk. Madge starts to cross to 
kitchen. Stops in front of stove.] 

Madge 
Quaint! Unique! Primitive! [To kitchen.] I suppose I can 
now sweep up the mud they tracked in. 

[Oliver picks up his balance sheet and studies it.] 

23 



Madge 
[Returning with broom and dust pan.] 
1 hope I wasn't rude to my guests, but if I had heard another 
word about roads! [Makes vicious dabs with broom.] 

Oliver 
What does he expect — in March? Besides, that road isn't so 
bad. I came through there yesterday. Anybody with half an 
eye could drive around those holes. S'pose I might have gone 
along to see them through — offered to once — but, by gosh, they 
rubbed it in a little too much and I got sore. 

Madge 
[Sweeping.] 

Damp — draf ty — my house ! [Pausing.] Oh, my goodness ! I 
forgot the plum preserves. Well, no matter. [Sweeping.] She 
can stop and buy a jar at the delicatessen. They won't know 
the difference. Turning down an offer of my fresh eggs ! 

Oliver 

[Abstractedly — looking up from his figures.] 
This would be a queer thing to do for a living again — putting 
down figures and adding up columns. 

Madge 
[Stooping with dustpan.] 
Softies. That's what they are. Softies. Ella's getting fat. 
Actually fat. Did you notice her double chin ? No wonder. 
What does she do? The Orpheum. Bridge. The movies. I'd 
rather look like Mrs. Nelson. [Straightening, jubilantly.] Oliver, 
did you hear me extolling the Nelson family? 

Oliver 
I should say I did. The only thing you left out was the butter- 
milk cow. [Triumphantly.] But did you get that little touch of 
mine about a tidy profit? 

Madge 
I did. I had one ear cocked in your direction all the time. I 
was so afraid you'd let him see that balance sheet. You didn't, 
did you? 

Oliver 
Not much. I was sitting on it. 

24 



Madge 
Thank heaven. If they hadn't been so smart and patronizing— 
And they are ignorant, too. Why, they don't know the most 
elementary things. 

[Oliver has put down the balance sheet and picked tip the 
seed catalog. Madge, in cleaning up, has come across the 
poultry journal. She puts down the dustpan and begins to 
tear off the ivrappcr.] 

Oliver 

[Putting the catalog doiun — speaks with determination.] 
Tom told me there was a vacancy in the accounting department 
I could have if I'd take it. 

Madge 

[Putting down poultry journal zvith guilty air.] 
Yes, Ella told me. 

Oliver 
What did you say? 

Madge 
I said that I just loved it here and couldn't bear to leave, but 
that I didn't want to stand in your way. What did you say? 

Oliver 
I said I was perfectly satisfied here but that it was a good offer 
and that I'd think it over and consult with you and let him know. 

Madge 
And then they'd patronize us ever after — and Ella Corwin would 
be forever telling about the awful hole they found us in and how 
they came to our rescue ! 

Oliver 
And Nels Nelson would say that I was soft and didn't know 
how to cultivate my land and made a failure of it. 

Madge 
And Mrs. Nelson would say that we — 

Voice 
Whoo-hoo ! 

Madge 
What ! Again ! 

25 



Voice 
Come out vonce to back door, den I von't have to take off my 
rubbers. 

Madge 
Coming, Mrs. Nelson. 

Voice 
I brought you von of dose settings. 

Madge 
[To Oliver, uncertainly.] 
She's brought a setting — of eggs — the old hen wants to set — 
and since I have to wait for my incubator anyway — [She is 
moving slowly toward the door. As Oliver makes no comment 
she goes out.] 

[Oliver, left alone, picks up the seed catalog — runs through 
the leaves — pauses to read — sits on arm of chair — turns 
pages slowly and reads — slips down into chair — crosses his 
legs in comfort and reads — takes out pencil and checks 
along the margin — Madge returns — he does not look up.] 

Madge 
[Nibbling a piece of pastry.] 
Mrs. Nelson brought some "fattigmans." Have one. 

Oliver 
[Taking it without looking up.] [Nibbles.] 
Um-ni. Good. 

Madge 
[Her mouth full.] 
Um-m. Awful good. 

[Madge picks up poultry journal and begins to look at it. 
With her eyes glued to the place, she picks up the dustpan 
that she had left in the chair, puts it on the floor, sits down, 
and continues to read.] 

Madge 
I thought as long as the old hen wanted to set — and as long as 
I have the incubator started — 

Madge 
[After silence.] 
I don't believe it. This man says he got 195 chicks out of 200 
eggs. 

Oliver 
You know Nels may be right about those Early Ohios — it says 
here — to plant after danger of frost in light sandy loam — 

26 



Madge 
I'll bet he never got that many more than once. 

Oliver 
There's a new tomato here — cross between the Scarlet Mammoth 
and Burst-of-Dawn — might try an acre of tomatoes — 

Madge 
Um-m — cracked corn, two parts, wheat middlings three — 

Oliver 
And a new cabbage — the Greenland Giant — 

Madge 
[Triumphantly.] 
Here, listen ! For an all-round general purpose hen it is hard 
to beat the Rhode Island Red ! Just wait till I show her that ! 
And the author of the article — Great Heavens ! The author is 
Gus-taf, Pro-fess-sor in state college of agriculture ! So she'll 
still have the better of me. Well, no matter ! [Slapping maga- 
zine shut.] Oliver Shepherd, are you going to take that job and 
sell this farm? 

Oliver 
Huh? What'd you say? You know if Nels is right about those 
Early Ohios, it wouldn't be a bad idea to set out cabbages — 

Madge 
Hooray! [Sweeping across room.] Hooray, we're off! [Throw- 
ing her arms around Oliver's neck as she leans over his chair.] 
Nothing can stop us now. Nobody can drag us off this place. 
And if you set out 500 cabbage plants and they live and grow 
and each one has two heads — You are an old cabbage head your- 
self, Oliver. [Kisses him on top of it.] 

Oliver 

[With his eyes on his seed catalog.] 
Um-m — yeh. That's what I said — cabbage heads — going to put 
in a couple of acres — down where I had the Early Ohios. 



CURTAIN 



In the Minneapolis production of the play a real Rhode Island 
Red was introduced with good effect. Madge goes to the kitchen 
and tiptoes in with the old hen, dropping her into Oliver's lap. 

27 



